Think of a time, place, or situation where you felt profoundly comfortable with a group of people. That sensation emerges from deep within but can be challenging to identify and reproduce. We become acutely aware when this feeling is absent, but we don’t always notice its presence unless we consciously think about it. Most would describe this feeling as a sense of belonging and agree that it is essential to our well-being. But why and how can we feel that way more often?
Table of Contents
- What Is Belonging?
- What Is a Sense of Belonging?
- How a Sense of Belonging Influences Our Well-Being
- How to Nurture a Sense of Belonging
- Key Takeaways
What Is Belonging?
Belonging is the ability for a person to feel accepted within a social group. It is one of our fundamental emotional needs as humans because it dramatically affects our physical and mental health, including our will to survive.
What’s curious about the definition of belonging is that it is not only a feeling, such as having an affinity for a group or place, but a social construct. We can gain access to specific groups of people by engaging in certain behaviors or making the “right” decisions in our quest to belong.
What Is a Sense of Belonging?
A sense of belonging is the feeling that we have satisfied our emotional need to belong because we feel seen, understood, and accepted by a group. Yet it doesn’t typically happen in an instant: it is something that evolves throughout our lives.
Infancy and Childhood
We form our earliest connections with our immediate family, which is critical for our development. It’s one reason why studies have shown that infants deprived of physical and emotional attention become prone to problems. Infants starved of human contact at such a young and helpless age feel insecure and stressed. These feelings linger in your body and affect your brain. Even as toddlers, we mimic behaviors and language to fit in, and that makes sense because humans are social beings who need each other to survive.
Adolescence and Adulthood
As we grow older and our social ecosystem expands, we become interconnected with the world around us. In grade school, high school, and beyond, we adhere to the norms of our surroundings, develop close friends, and rely on them for social support. As we enter each social system, we pick up cues from others: rules around what is and is not acceptable. These rules allow the social structure to exist, creating a feedback loop that influences how we see ourselves (our identity as a human being and our ability to feel a sense of belonging).
When we abide by the norms of the social systems around us, we become part of a group, and fellow group members reward us with social safety. So, ideally, when we perceive a sense of belonging, it is because we feel accepted and at ease with being ourselves, which causes us to feel accepting of others in the group.
Unfortunately, we don’t always recognize belonging until it is absent. When we feel like we don’t belong, we become uncomfortable because we no longer sense the physiological and emotional safety of being a group member. Depending on the context, this discomfort can be relatively minor (like not connecting with anyone at a friend’s social gathering) or traumatic (like being rejected by your family).
How a Sense of Belonging Influences Our Well-Being
Since belonging is a significant emotional need, it influences our mood, drives our decisions, and affects our worldview. That, in turn, impacts our ability to form and maintain the healthy relationships that create a sense of belonging in the first place.
That’s one of the reasons why we encourage students and job seekers to find environments where they will feel like they belong. When we lack a greater sense of belonging, we can become anxious, lonely, and depressed. Those feelings make it challenging to be creative, absorb new ideas, and do our best work. Therefore, feeling included at school and belonging at work are also vital to academic achievement and professional success.
For example, when college students leave their immediate family and community, they may connect with other students who remind them of home at first, finding comfort in a common hobby, religion, or political affiliation. However, as they become exposed to a broader range of values, experiences, and behaviors, they sometimes find themselves questioning the belief system of their upbringing, which can be uncomfortable. Although some discomfort can challenge you and stimulate growth, there is a tipping point where it can become problematic.
Feelings of belonging also provide us with a sense of safety and identity. So we will go to great lengths to form and maintain social connections and relationships even when they no longer serve us. For instance, within any cultural system, there is a dominant culture. As we work to integrate with that culture, we internalize its norms and add them to our identity.
The Role of the Dominant Culture
When people feel excluded from the dominant culture, it can create such tension that they feel compelled to spend a lot of energy finding ways to feel a greater sense of belonging. I hear it from my clients, who often start off thinking that belonging is a linear process. They rationalize their behavior by saying, “If I do this, I will belong.”
Unfortunately, this linear way of thinking can come at a high cost to their identity. What inevitably happens is they find themselves discarding the qualities that make them unique and beautiful, or despite their best efforts at conforming, they still find themselves excluded. Both outcomes can be frustrating.
Ironically, those who enjoy inclusion in the dominant culture also experience tension because they feel pressure to maintain their social standing. This pressure can occur when a group has expectations around behavior or suppresses opinions contradicting the group’s messaging. When that happens, people often censor themselves to avoid jeopardizing their status.
Even those who believe they have a high level of self-awareness and emotional intelligence can fall prey to this line of thinking. The desire to belong is powerful. But we don’t always realize that while the system can influence us, we also have the power to affect the system. Group members can alter any social system, but most simply conform since we want to belong.
How to Nurture a Sense of Belonging
Our identity is multifaceted, and we deeply need to be understood and celebrated. Our quest for belonging is a reflection of that. Yet, most of us rarely examine our identity to see which norms and beliefs are a positive contribution and which weigh us down. That includes exploring what belonging means to us, understanding how we behave to fit into specific groups, and how we can create a sense of belonging for others.
So, there are three actions you can take to create a sense of belonging. These things may sound easy, but they require introspection and a commitment to ongoing work.
1. Get to Know Yourself
Knowing yourself begins with assessing and understanding your cultural identity – the groups you belong to and the thoughts and behaviors you exhibit to maintain your status among those groups. Put some thought into it and write it down, so you can reflect on what you have learned. The following questions can help with this exercise.
- Who have you surrounded yourself with during different stages in your life, through your family, school, social groups, or work?
- What values or qualities do members of these groups find most important?
- How do the values and qualities of the groups align with what you feel is important?
- To what extent do you feel accepted in these groups?
- What types of people or groups would you like to see more or less of in your life?
Some people undergo this exercise and realize that the groups they were affiliated with earlier in life no longer reflect who they are today. If that happens to you, please know there is nothing wrong with that unless it conflicts with who you want to be. Still, it is vital to recognize it when your identity has evolved and to recalibrate your understanding of who you are so it will be easier to identify the people and groups that suit you.
2. Seek People and Spaces That Can Help You Belong
Once you have a firm grasp of your identity, look for people, places, or organizations that will be open to your perspectives without judgment and can see your contributions. Typically, these are people who will challenge you in a positive and meaningful way and with whom you feel psychologically safe. These people might be in your life today, or you may need to find new people or groups where you can form these connections.
Where can you look? Again, think about who you are and find like-minded communities. Here are a few examples:
- Life-Stage or Professional Groups: One of the easiest ways to weave connection into your life is to find people who do the same things. For example, volunteering at your child’s school can help you connect with other parents. Or, perhaps you can meet others in your field through a local meet-up.
- Shared Hobbies or Activities: Find groups of people who share your passion for particular pursuits like hiking, gardening, reading, traveling, etc.
- Common Identities: Any experience contributing to your identity is an opportunity for finding kinship, so look for people with similar backgrounds or who have been through the same experiences. That could be just about anything – your ethnicity, spiritual practices, music taste, gender experience, educational background, or even a shared trauma.
3. Help Others Find Belonging
As you seek supportive environments and people, take the opportunity to help others find belonging, too. One of the most significant blind spots we have as humans is that we often focus on our comfort without considering how we impact those around us. Yet, ironically, when we model belonging by helping others gain acceptance as the beautiful, imperfect people they are, we form relationships and create a culture where everyone feels connected.
Key Takeaways
Achieving a sense of belonging is crucial to our existence because it enriches our life experience and helps us find purpose and meaning in our everyday activities. Yet, it isn’t always easy to come by. By understanding that belonging is not only a feeling that comes from within but a series of actions, you can find the connection you crave.
The first step is to take the time to understand yourself. I welcome you to explore my resources for further aid in this process. Then, find people who allow you to be the brilliant person you are and work to help others find belonging, too. These small actions can create a better, safer world where belonging is readily given rather than earned by selling out who you are.
Editor’s Note: This blog post was originally published in March 2022 and then updated for accuracy and thoroughness in August 2025.
