“Success” is an emotionally charged word. That is partly because our current definitions center around achieving goals, acquiring upward social mobility, or wealth, implying that anything less equates to failure. Yet I have noticed that many successful people still feel something is lacking. If that sounds familiar, perhaps it is time to consider redefining success or, at least, asking yourself, “What does success mean to you?”
Ultimately, success is a personal and subjective experience. That feeling that something is lacking is often the result of an internal struggle that happens when societal expectations conflict with what feels right for you. Below, I explain why that happens, and what you can do about it.
Table of Contents
- What Does Success Look Like?
- How to Define Success for Yourself
- Redefining Success: A Real-Life Example
- Exploring What Success Means to You
- Bottom Line
What Does Success Look Like?
If you look up the definition of success today, two words stick out (accomplishment and attainment), along with the assumption that the result must be favorable. Yet, historic definitions of success were synonymous with reaching a desired outcome, regardless of whether that outcome was positive or negative. In other words, the meaning of success has changed to reflect our culture.
Why does that matter? Because it shows how culture can influence our perspectives.
We receive messages from the world around us about what success should look like and internalize them. That affects how we feel, not just about our actions and behaviors, but about the actions and behaviors of others. We form judgments, which are often subconscious, that affect our ability to find joy and feel fulfilled.
The Role of Culture in Defining the Meaning of Success
In general, culture, and popular culture in particular, determine which behaviors are worthy of attention – something we all crave in one form or another because we are social animals, and our survival depends on it. We need other humans to see us and accept us.
Many Western cultures emphasize the value of individual achievement, revering and rewarding the successes of music or sports superstars. Yet we often overlook the accomplishments of the researchers and scientists who work in teams to develop life-saving medical treatments or the public servants who keep society functioning. These are all successful people and worthy endeavors, but our cultural norms, supported by our communication channels, dictate who gets our attention.
What’s crucial to note is that our definition of success didn’t just change; it evolved. Similarly, our personal definition of success can shift throughout our lives.
Conventional wisdom suggests that our primary influences when we are young are our family, friends, and community, and that our definition of success only begins to change as we move out into the world and gain new experiences.
However, social media has disrupted that natural progression, affecting how we view the world at a young age, and, as a result, what we think it means to be successful in life. When you view the world through heavily filtered feeds and connect with people who only share their most optimistic stories, it can feel like the whole world is “successful,” except you. Therefore, it shouldn’t be surprising that researchers found a link between social media use and signs of depression.
The good news is that redefining success for ourselves is entirely doable. Indeed, I highly recommend it, especially if you are unfulfilled and worry that you have essentially chosen success vs. happiness.
How to Define Success for Yourself
I often work with clients who have achieved a conventional idea of success (either through their work or the accumulation of material goods). Yet, they feel frustrated because they don’t “feel” like a successful person. In other words, they feel disconnected from their vision of success.
We typically work to unravel this conundrum by discussing cultural influences and how they can develop strategies to separate themselves from them. We look at the unique perspective (intersectional lens) they formed from these influences, and how it compares to popular culture’s definition of success.
However, we don’t do it all at once; we take it in stages, like the following.
Stage 1: Exploring the Symbols of Success
As we delve into this concept, we might spend a coaching session separating true success from the “symbols of success,” such as:
- Expensive depreciating assets (cars, boats, etc.).
- A home in a highly aspirational neighborhood.
- Membership in brand-name institutions (expensive country clubs or private schools).
- Designer clothing that will be out of style in six months.
These symbols signal a person’s willingness to spend money or take on debt (sometimes both), but is that what it means to be successful?
To be clear, I’m not saying we shouldn’t want or have these things. But it can help to get in touch with what these symbols represent and build a conscious understanding of why we find them compelling. When I ask clients what meaning these symbols carry, they express a range of emotions and connections with them, such as:
- “I earned it; therefore, I deserve it.”
- “This is what everyone else is doing.”
- And, even “These things control all the decisions I make in my life.”
That’s usually a good place to pause and let these reflections sink in.
Stage 2: Connecting the Dots for Personal Growth
During the next session, we insert a cultural lens. I might ask my client to consider how and where they have seen these symbols of success throughout their lives. Usually, there is a cultural connection in that the items or experiences embody “success” somehow. When I ask if this remains the case for them (given their current value system), some will answer “yes” and others “no.”
Neither answer is right nor wrong. Those who say “yes” gain a new awareness of what that symbol represents and can choose how to move forward from a place of clarity. Those who say “no” can release themselves from the bonds of guilt or frustration they feel in their quest to “keep up.”
I’ve also worked with people whose cultural values highly emphasize family and community. Yet, they abandoned those values to pursue what they perceived to be a “better” existence. The resulting tension can become all-consuming, forcing such clients to redefine what success means to them, given the context of their lives.
Redefining Success: A Real-Life Example
Lara (not her real name) grew up in a small town along the Pacific Ocean, where she was part of a tight-knit community. When she was young, she found this constraining and dreamed of attending college far from home. Her dreams came true when a large, top-tier research university accepted her.
After attending university, Lara completed a doctorate and accepted a role in an organization that had a fantastic reputation in her field. From the viewpoint of her classmates and her supportive family, she “made it” because she had reached the pinnacle of professional success.
Lara also met and married a fellow scientist and had her first child. She had what many would define as an ideal life.
However, despite her successes, Lara felt something was missing. She enjoyed her work but lacked control over her schedule, making parenthood difficult. Then, her company went fully remote, and the boundaries between Lara’s personal and professional life evaporated.
Lara needed support. Her parents and siblings seemed further away than ever, and she began to miss the cohesiveness and interdependence of her small town.
Lara brought her concerns to her partner, and the couple realized they had a choice. They could stay in the large city, where they knew no one, or move back to her hometown, where they knew everyone. It wasn’t long before their moving van pulled back into Lara’s hometown.
When we worked together, Lara and I discussed what it meant to achieve success. She realized that her definition of success could evolve and that it is normal (even necessary) to revisit that definition occasionally to rebuild alignment.
Lara now feels that her life reflects her evolved definition of success. She has regained the connection and community she missed and can be more present for her child, who is flourishing in the presence of aunts, uncles, and grandparents. Lara continues to work virtually, but now she feels her life aligns more with her values and couldn’t be happier.
What Does Success Mean to You: Questions to Ask Yourself
Are you ready to reimagine what success means to you? First, consider one topic or aspect of your life that is important to you. For example, many define success as the achievement of professional goals or having a positive impact on the world. Pick one, then, take the first steps toward finding your truth by thinking through the following questions and jotting down your answers.
- How do you define success in that aspect of your life? For example, did you grow up thinking that things needed to happen in a certain way, that there were milestones to meet or symbols to obtain that would represent success?
- What cultural influences have affected your worldview to this point? For instance, what cultural expectations have you absorbed from your family, friends, workplace, or affinity groups?
- What would be different if you could redesign that aspect of your life?
- Has your view of success evolved concerning that original topic? If so, how?
- What actions could you take to align your current state with what you want?
- Who could you partner with to make that happen?
Once you are clear on the changes you wish to make, develop plans to implement them. Then, document your progress and celebrate each success along the way.
The Bottom Line
The word “success” carries a lot of weight in our society, and there are many expectations about what we should and should not do to achieve it. But from time to time, I highly recommend that you pause, look inward, and ask, “What does success mean to you?” You may find that your answer has changed and that you must redefine success to regain alignment with the person you have become. After all, what’s the point of success if you can’t enjoy it?
To learn more about how the world around you can influence your belief system, I’d recommend reading our blog post on cultural conditioning.
Editor’s Note: This blog post was originally published in February 2022 and then updated for accuracy and thoroughness in October 2025.
